Little do you know

March has ended yay!!

Little did you know, March is the most painful month for me. I maybe shouldn't write about this or not that I want you to be sympathised with me but this is something I want you to know. There are a few people who judged my decision during that time so I'm not hoping you to understand but at least you know the reason behind this.

26.03.2017

My father passed away of cancer. He was diagnosed early January, and we are all aware of it, but I never know which stage of cancer it was. I was shocked because he was totally fine when I last met him during summer break the previous year but Allah knows best. (takdir Tuhan siapa yang tahu kan) I didn't know he was already in stage 4, and there's nothing they can do about it. But, my family still did whatever efforts that we could for his recovery. I didn't know that he was that weak and was a bit bedridden in early March, all I know was he went to the hospital regularly for treatment. I am not a good daughter ay, I didn't know things that I am supposed to know.

So I planned to go back to Malaysia during my Easter break which was 1st of April for 3 weeks. Normally students will only go back home during summer break as it is 3 months long. I know guys. I know. You don't have to keep on saying and wondering why I did not go back earlier before Easter break knowing my dad is ill. Sadly, they were just a very very few people who asked me why and were concerned to know the whole story. I was in a middle of design project that I have to work with my partner, a local student. Hence, I am NOT allowed to miss my labs to complete the project. (I can skip my lectures obviously but not my labs) I know guys. I know that I can ask for exemption to go back earlier to visit my father. I know I can just leave it to my partner to complete it, thinking maybe hey, she should consider my situation. 

BUT, my father would never want me to do it that way.

The only advice that he had been saying all this while, is to NEVER make people troubled over you. 

"Jangan susahkan orang, jangan minta-minta even dekat family sendiri selagi boleh usaha sendiri. Nak minta apa-apa, minta dekat Ayah." (He always being too Malay with me hahah)

So guys, if I wanna leave my responsibility in the project, I would definitely be troubling the department and my dear partner. (maybe my future too)

I was a part of Malaysian Society committees during that period. We were having a handover meeting to the new committees on 25th March 2017 and annual dinner on 26th March 2017. I was also a part of Skills and Career for Youth committee and I was the one responsible looking for interviewers for Career Day on 26th March 2017. There were a lot of meetings and procedures to organise the final events of our society. Again I know guys. I know I can exclude myself from organising the event and postpone my handover to the new committee of my post.

BUT, my father would never want me to do it that way.

We came together as one group in the beginning and it is unfair for me to leave my responsibility in the end. I know my committees members will be okay with me to have an exemption, but this will definitely add to their burden knowing some of them were even in senior year and yet still sacrificed their time to work out the events.

In general, I still know. In between family and responsibility, family is more important. The fact that I am the closest daughter to my father. The fact that you only have one father in this world. But, all I want to do is to make my father happy at the end of his life. And he will not want me to trouble people for him. I was in a dilemma for the whole month of March, and all I can do is praying that I can make it to see him during my Easter break. I prayed that he will never has to suffer that illness for every hardship that he has gone through for me, and Allah granted my prayers.

I bought this card for him a few weeks before Easter break but Allah knows best :)

So on 26th March 2017,

I was handling the Career Day event in the evening when my cousin tagged a Facebook post of my father loss earlier that morning. (UK time)

Yes, I didn't get any news from my close family and my cousin posted it thinking I knew about it.

Yes, I was the last to know among family, relatives, neighbours and close friends.

Well, I am not supposed to know until I reach Malaysia the following week because perhaps my family doesn't want me to handle it on my own.

So let's skip the crying and drama parts, cliche enough hahaha

I had to ask someone else to replace me for becoming the emcee for the annual dinner that night.

(you are my saviour, if you are reading)

I had to finish my 50% worth assignment which was due 31st March 2017.

I had to go to lectures and labs.

I decided to only tell my close 5 friends in Sheffield and my Malaysian Society committees.

Call me weak, I admit I was not ready.

When someone who happened to know this news, (not my closed friends) looked at me with full of sympathy, I finally know how the orphans feel when we look at them. I know I am not ready to tell people until I leave Sheffield for Easter break. Some people questioned why, yes, I am not as strong as you thought. I postponed the tahlil event for my dad because I don't think I can act cool if everyone comes to me and says their condolences. I wish I was stronger. 

I prayed for him to get better, but little did we know, Allah granted my prayers because HE knows he is much better in a place far away from me. I believe the fact that I am far from him during the time he was sick till he passed away is something that only Allah knows is better for me. I believe that by being far when it happened, all my tears and grief are a bit hidden from my mother so that I can be strong for her to be stronger. I believe that Allah has given me enough by being able to talk to him a few days before he passed away. I wish I could say more.

But, I know. I know I should do something for him more before he is gone. I know I should say my love to him more and how great he is to me. It will always be the biggest regret in my life.

Thank you for all the warm wishes and prayers from all of you. To be treating the same way is the best thing an orphan would wish for. :) 

"Sometimes, 

it doesn't mean you are not sad when you didn't cry;

it doesn't mean you are happy when you are smiling." 

First love never dies. 🦋

p/s: This is the last post that's a bit emotional for now, stay tuned next post will be more interesting and fun.