Work

Hi there,
Idk whether this will be beneficial or interesting but it is just something that I wish to share.

So I did my summer internship in INTEL Penang, under Device Development Group. So basically, they are the mastermind behind the chip designs. I was asked to prepare myself with Unix, Perl and Tcl language which I have zero knowledge in it. I bet neither any of the intern.

I was assigned to the backend design which is to place the verilog code from the frontend to the schematic layout. After a series of bootcamp and training, I was given a sequential task to help my team. Guess what, it's a coding task. 🌚

So I need to learn the language from scratch and familiarise myself with the backend tools and flows. Alhamdulillah, I managed to finish the task. Still can't believe it.

So here what's I learnt from this internship. As a total freshie, I have to seek guidance from people. So communication is the main key here. Things WON'T come to you, you have to find everything yourself. From day 1, you have to figure out and settle down asap because NO one is going to usher you one by one.

The next one is to be a fast learner. All the tasks given have dateline, so you have to get it done by all means. Trust me, you are most probably didn't encounter these stuff during university time, so new things have to be learnt in a short period of time. Do not feel challenged by your smart colleagues and work together instead. Try not get too stressful over it!

Last but not least, enjoy what you are doing! Join social clubs, sports, volunteering, team building, etc so you would feel less work stress and have a more balanced life. Things would never work out at the first place, so don't worry, keep going. I'm not sure whether this will work for everyone, but dressing up to work is good to boost the mood. 😆

By doing internship, I finally realised that university life is much more fun that working life. So, enjoy your studies while you can before a greater responsibility kicks off.

The only way to do great work is 

to love what you do. - Steve Jobs 🦋

Perfect

Hi there,
Are you tired? Because somehow I do.
Have you ever tried to be perfect? What's perfect anyway?

By Google definition, perfect is having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be.
Ideal
Faultless
Flawless
The Best

I always have this kind of thought of how a perfect girl is. A girl who has beauty with brain, attitude and talent, all in one. As I have stupid hands, I keep on looking up to those who can play sports (netball/volleyball/badminton/tennis/etc), those who can make music (pianist/guitarist/violinist/etc), those who can turn blank paper into colourful arts, those who can mould the plain flour into amazing pastries and those who can style a dull shirt effortlessly.
Trust me, I've seen these perfect girls.

But talent is something that you are blessed with, skill is something that you can develop. It is all depends on your passion and interest. You don't have to be good at everything to be perfect, do you?

Don't ever try to be perfect just for someone to like you. Someone, who has a perfect heart will love you the way you are and feel that you are the most perfect person with all the amazing flaws.

If you are searching for a perfect person to be your partner, remember that someone with perfect qualities doesn't necessarily love you perfectly. And if you think people are looking for a perfect person to be their partner, so you decide to be perfect, forgetting the fact that perfection is different in every person's eyes. Didn't you feel your parents are so perfect when you were small?

Honestly, I have known some perfect guys with all those ideal qualities but end up being jerk who cheated and have skyscraper ego. (my friends' exes, not mine lol) How long will those qualities matter if the personality sucks?

People say nobody is perfect. But One Direction says,
"If you like to do whatever you've been dreaming about,
Baby you're perfect"

So do what makes you happy and keep on following your dreams and passion. If you are perfect at heart, you are perfect for yourself.



If everyone is perfect, then you are no longer special. 🦋

Epiphany

Hi there,
Ikr, it has been a very very long time since I've posted.
How's life? Learn something today?

So today I learn that death is not really a sad thing, it is the reunion with God, your Creator. Have you ever really feel true happiness that lasts forever?

For me, everything about life is just temporary. All those happy moments are temporary. You got straight A for your SPM, and then you fail a subject in your degree. You finally graduate with a degree, then you fail to finish a task from your manager at work. You got a great bf/gf, then you break up. You marry your dream person, then you have constant fights. You spend time with your loved ones, then you lost them forever.

So why every time that worst moments come, we lost ourselves and drown with sadness and hopeless, knowing that the worst moment will come after each happy moment. Because that's life, people. Everyone knows every life will end. To the eternal life, where only happiness exists.



Can't we just enjoy the worst moments too? Can't we wait for the next happy moment? Can't we find a happy moment inside a worst one? Can't we just figure it out when the time comes? Can't we?



"Yes we can." - A cancer carrier 🦋

Two is better than one?

Hi, I promised to write something interesting right.   

So yeah, there has been some kind of questions that you can ask people on insta, and I got lots on "are you single?" compared to other questions.

At one point, I guess it is happier to say, I am not single. I have someone that I can share personal stuff, daily things going on, internal probs, sweet talks and stuff you do with your partner.

But, is being single really something bad?

What I wanna tell you here is something that I can validate based on my experiences hahaha definitely not everything is legit but yeah maybe you can relate.

Okay, before I was in my previous relationship, I swear I have no interest into relationship which leads me to having a principle that I will only initiate a serious relationship with the person who will marry me and whom I wanna marry to. Hence, the only previous relationship was started after he came to see my parents. Obviously, there was a flirting phase and crush on each other during the friendship stage. Hahaha

And when it doesn't work out because he suddenly gave up on me, without any reason that I knew, after all the efforts and memories, I was heartbroken mainly because I didn't uphold to my principle of having only 1 relationship in my life. To cut short, I have to move on after my attempts to save the relationship is a failure.

Honestly, after having one relationship, I tend to keep on wanting that special company while I wasn't interested on it before. (I've moved on definitely hahaha) I refused to have any relationship before I move on okay. And then when I came across with a great guy who likes me and makes me like him back, we decided to stay as good friends. Another situation is when I have a crush on someone nice and keep the feelings to myself. But at the end of the day, they found someone else to be their gf. Hahahaha

So guys, lemme ask you, what outcome are you expecting if someone you like, likes you back? If you start of a relationship, you might end up breaking up. If you remain as friends, you might lose that person to someone else. So ottoke? Hahaha

I'm not writing how to move on here, I've wrote it before in my previous post, but the biggest lesson learnt from my one and only failed relationship, is to love yourself more. I have to admit I love my ex to the point that I am willing to die for him. Hahahah cheesy enuf. But during the "move on phase", I focus more on myself, on doing stuff that makes me happy, on achieving my dreams and improve my skills.

I learnt that I can't let anyone especially guys to hurt my feelings, to waste my efforts and to let me down. I set my standards quite high so I won't easily fall for just the "fake first impression" of guys.

And then I really enjoy being single. I might not have someone specific to share my inner issues or someone to regularly profess his love to me, BUT I have freedom to choose whoever guy friends I wanna befriend with. (Read befriend not flirt okay) I strengthen my bond with my girlfriends and spend more time, effort and money with my girlfriends which is more, more and more worth it. I do not have to commit to keep on giving the best to someone nor that I have to maintain a good relationship which obviously involves consoling, sweet talking and cheesy stuff.

Starting a relationship is easy but maintaining it is super hard.

If you guys are in a relationship, kudos for maintaining it till now, (round of applause) but for those who are still single, yeah shout out to you guys who love yourself to the fullest!

I find that at this young age, (still not feeling 22) hahaha I guess if I do have a crush or if anyone has a crush on me, I do NOT see the beneficial outcome out of it. Definitely, both are NOT ready with the responsibility and stability of marriage, so what's the point of having a temporary relationship?

It's hard but I will take the risk that my crush will be lost to someone else, and accept it as fate. (Kalau ada jodoh, tak ke mana kan) Yes, (jodoh pun kena usaha) but let's work on ourselves first and then we can work on it, shall we?

 Remember, heaven lies at your mother's feet. You never know how long you will live and how long she will live, so why bother thinking too much on who you partner is, you might die at young age hahah while the legit paradise that you have now is your mother's happiness.

Some people are just meant to be good friends but not good partners. Sincerely, my ex was really a good friend of mine. I would say, marry but do NOT date your best/close friend because if you break up, you will lose both friend and partner.

"Jodoh itu juga rezeki. Kalau ada, ada. Kalau takda, rezeki lain pasti ada. Yang penting, biar menuju syurga kita." - Acah

                            

If one is enough to make you happy, why need two? 🦋

Little do you know

March has ended yay!!

Little did you know, March is the most painful month for me. I maybe shouldn't write about this or not that I want you to be sympathised with me but this is something I want you to know. There are a few people who judged my decision during that time so I'm not hoping you to understand but at least you know the reason behind this.

26.03.2017

My father passed away of cancer. He was diagnosed early January, and we are all aware of it, but I never know which stage of cancer it was. I was shocked because he was totally fine when I last met him during summer break the previous year but Allah knows best. (takdir Tuhan siapa yang tahu kan) I didn't know he was already in stage 4, and there's nothing they can do about it. But, my family still did whatever efforts that we could for his recovery. I didn't know that he was that weak and was a bit bedridden in early March, all I know was he went to the hospital regularly for treatment. I am not a good daughter ay, I didn't know things that I am supposed to know.

So I planned to go back to Malaysia during my Easter break which was 1st of April for 3 weeks. Normally students will only go back home during summer break as it is 3 months long. I know guys. I know. You don't have to keep on saying and wondering why I did not go back earlier before Easter break knowing my dad is ill. Sadly, they were just a very very few people who asked me why and were concerned to know the whole story. I was in a middle of design project that I have to work with my partner, a local student. Hence, I am NOT allowed to miss my labs to complete the project. (I can skip my lectures obviously but not my labs) I know guys. I know that I can ask for exemption to go back earlier to visit my father. I know I can just leave it to my partner to complete it, thinking maybe hey, she should consider my situation. 

BUT, my father would never want me to do it that way.

The only advice that he had been saying all this while, is to NEVER make people troubled over you. 

"Jangan susahkan orang, jangan minta-minta even dekat family sendiri selagi boleh usaha sendiri. Nak minta apa-apa, minta dekat Ayah." (He always being too Malay with me hahah)

So guys, if I wanna leave my responsibility in the project, I would definitely be troubling the department and my dear partner. (maybe my future too)

I was a part of Malaysian Society committees during that period. We were having a handover meeting to the new committees on 25th March 2017 and annual dinner on 26th March 2017. I was also a part of Skills and Career for Youth committee and I was the one responsible looking for interviewers for Career Day on 26th March 2017. There were a lot of meetings and procedures to organise the final events of our society. Again I know guys. I know I can exclude myself from organising the event and postpone my handover to the new committee of my post.

BUT, my father would never want me to do it that way.

We came together as one group in the beginning and it is unfair for me to leave my responsibility in the end. I know my committees members will be okay with me to have an exemption, but this will definitely add to their burden knowing some of them were even in senior year and yet still sacrificed their time to work out the events.

In general, I still know. In between family and responsibility, family is more important. The fact that I am the closest daughter to my father. The fact that you only have one father in this world. But, all I want to do is to make my father happy at the end of his life. And he will not want me to trouble people for him. I was in a dilemma for the whole month of March, and all I can do is praying that I can make it to see him during my Easter break. I prayed that he will never has to suffer that illness for every hardship that he has gone through for me, and Allah granted my prayers.

I bought this card for him a few weeks before Easter break but Allah knows best :)

So on 26th March 2017,

I was handling the Career Day event in the evening when my cousin tagged a Facebook post of my father loss earlier that morning. (UK time)

Yes, I didn't get any news from my close family and my cousin posted it thinking I knew about it.

Yes, I was the last to know among family, relatives, neighbours and close friends.

Well, I am not supposed to know until I reach Malaysia the following week because perhaps my family doesn't want me to handle it on my own.

So let's skip the crying and drama parts, cliche enough hahaha

I had to ask someone else to replace me for becoming the emcee for the annual dinner that night.

(you are my saviour, if you are reading)

I had to finish my 50% worth assignment which was due 31st March 2017.

I had to go to lectures and labs.

I decided to only tell my close 5 friends in Sheffield and my Malaysian Society committees.

Call me weak, I admit I was not ready.

When someone who happened to know this news, (not my closed friends) looked at me with full of sympathy, I finally know how the orphans feel when we look at them. I know I am not ready to tell people until I leave Sheffield for Easter break. Some people questioned why, yes, I am not as strong as you thought. I postponed the tahlil event for my dad because I don't think I can act cool if everyone comes to me and says their condolences. I wish I was stronger. 

I prayed for him to get better, but little did we know, Allah granted my prayers because HE knows he is much better in a place far away from me. I believe the fact that I am far from him during the time he was sick till he passed away is something that only Allah knows is better for me. I believe that by being far when it happened, all my tears and grief are a bit hidden from my mother so that I can be strong for her to be stronger. I believe that Allah has given me enough by being able to talk to him a few days before he passed away. I wish I could say more.

But, I know. I know I should do something for him more before he is gone. I know I should say my love to him more and how great he is to me. It will always be the biggest regret in my life.

Thank you for all the warm wishes and prayers from all of you. To be treating the same way is the best thing an orphan would wish for. :) 

"Sometimes, 

it doesn't mean you are not sad when you didn't cry;

it doesn't mean you are happy when you are smiling." 

First love never dies. 🦋

p/s: This is the last post that's a bit emotional for now, stay tuned next post will be more interesting and fun.

When we were young

Do you have close friends during your school time that you are no longer close now?
Terribly, I do.
I had been to a few different high schools and you know things always changed when you are far away from the usuals.
Personally, I have different friends that I go to, for different issues.
And I wish I can give the same attention and time to everyone that I am closed to or used to be closed.

Dear big sis of mine,
I want you to know even though we don't share problems or personal issues anymore, I never once change my feelings to you or love you lesser now. I want you to only know my happy moments, my achievements, my good relationships and things that can only bring happiness back to you. I want you to stop sharing my conflicts, dilemmas and dramas because only God knows how much you have seen it when we were young.

Dear good old friend,
I never once thought I will grow up this broken. I never once thought that "that strong me" is weak day by day. I never once thought I will change. I never once thought of showing this side of me, ever, when we were young.

Dear guidance of light,
You were and always be my great friend. My constant adviser. My happy pill. My soul sister.
You know I wouldn't do something for your birthday at the same time when my father passed away if you are not a someone to me. You know it's because your birthday falls on March that makes me still looking forward to this month.

I still remember, "Aku taknak teman kau buat benda tu sebab aku nak jadi kawan kau dunia akhirat"
I promise you one thing, that I will only let happy things happen in my life, so that is the only thing left to share with you like when we were young.


Happy birthday my star 🦋

Young, dumb & broke

Heyy,
Are you...?
Young ✅
Dumb ✅
Broke ✅

But because you are young, that's why it's okay to be dumb and broke.
If you have done a lot of efforts and it still doesn't work out for you, and then it broke your heart big time, yes you are dumb for not giving up. But I am here to tell you that it is OKAY to be dumb for that. We are still young anyway and this is the time to make a lot of mistakes because;



Whatever dumb mistakes that you have done in the past, learn from it. People will always remember that one mistake you did, and broke your heart again and again, learn to fcuk them. You were young, but as you grow up, learn that you are the one responsible for every mistake you did, every happiness you deserve, every money you earn, every rise you fall for as long as you live.

I know I was too dumb for being too kind to those who don't even care or appreciate, but being broke is worth it. Knowing I have done my best. Believing that I have an interesting story of my young life to tell. Having faith that I will grow up stronger and wiser.



If you are young, dumb and broke, you are just living your life. 🦋

No more sad songs

"I'm beggin', please, don't play no more sad songs"...

But we literally will do the opposite way, playing more sad songs when we are sad. Honestly, that is one of the ways how I deal with sadness. lol So yeah each of us has different way of handling it. This is how I have been doing.

The very first thing is to let it out. Cry as hard as you can. It's hard for people to see me crying, hardly my family itself, ego perhaps haha But I am a crybaby almost everyday crying even to a short advert on fb that I can relate to hahaha
It is okay to let it out, but I always learn that the key of strength is by not showing your weakness. Yes, crying is not a weakness, however I find it kinda weakens me if people see me crying.

The next thing is to boost your spirit back. This is where our tricks differ from each other. I personally feel better with music. Either by listening to my favourite songs depending on the mood or play guitar/ukulele/any musical instrument. I always want to be far from people when I'm sad, so yeah I will go somewhere random and run as fast as I could until I run out of breath. Pretty silly but at least it keeps me fit lol
Most importantly...

Let Go & Let God

The very crucial thing then is to find the people you trust. I may have a lot of friends, good friends and closed ones but I share different things with different people. For instance, for family matters, friend A is the best remedy while study matters find cure with friend B. It is just the way you like their response better than the other.

The final step for now, is to keep getting better to deal with the next sadness. Remember how the previous grief has drown you and now, you want to keep floating. And finally, out of water.



There's always a rainbow after the rain 🦋

Count on me

It's the EFFORT that counts.

Have you ever thought WHY it did NOT work out the way you want it to be after EVERYTHING you have done?
Because it is not the right TIMING yet. Everything that is said to be yours, will be yours. Either now, soon or at a time you least expected. But what is NOT destined to be yours, will not be yours, simply because something BIGGER and BETTER is coming your way.

Should you give up then after all the unpaid efforts?
Effort is NEVER wasted. Let's reminisce those hard times that you have passed, and believe, THIS too shall pass. Let's remember all those efforts being PAID and unexpected fruits that had fallen to you all the way that make you what you are now. It is a WASTE if you give up now after whatever that you have done to reach this level.

Are you starting to hate whatever you are doing now?
Well yes for me. But I have a REASON why I have to keep doing it. (you can refer previous post) Life is not about doing what you like, and sometimes what's best for you might be something that you hate the most.

Why other people always get what they want?
Hmm, would you want someone great as Albert Einstein to be your father or do you see your father as the GREATEST father among all? It is the way you see things and feel ENOUGH. Each of us is different and we are all are fated for different things. Perhaps, they are envying something you think is nothing to have but something really big for them. Happiness is when you are happy with someone else being happy. So let them and let God.

Count your blessings.
You might not get what you want in this world, but little did you know, all the effort that you have given to get what you want, is all counted as a reward in the hereafter.
The fact that it is never wasted, is good enough, isn't it?



You have done your best, I've counted it for you. 🦋

You are the reason

You are the reason.

"Untuk hidup kita perlu bergantung kepada yang tak mati." - Mat Luthfi

Tetapi manusia itu pasti mati. Should there be no more reason then?

Find

The reason why you were born.

The reason why you are still alive.

The reason why you are where you are now.

The reason why you have to continue living.

and Keep.

 

*

Dear first love,

"If I could turn back the clock
I'd make sure the light defeated the dark
I'd spend every hour, of every day
Keeping you safe" 

- Calum Scott 

(so damn nice song btw)

and because I cannot turn back the clock, that will be my reason for all of the above. I was your reason too. 🦋

Butterfly fly away

Hi,
I revamp my blog, so butsoflies (read:butterfly) just because..

To more emo post HAHA 🦋

Same old love

It has been bloody 3 years... lol
Since someone said I shouldn't get emotional on insta story, so might as well spill out stuff here. Maybe because I find peace in writing. HAHA

So it has been 3 years, and life still gives me lemons instead of apples.
I lost my first love in March 2017.

Do you believe in "first love never dies"?
I never thought that you can still love someone even after a year of no sight, words and touch. In fact love harder. But when he was gone, the love has increased day by day without you realised it. Well, "absence makes the heart grows fonder" right?

Do you know what is the hardest thing about farewell?
It is when there is no goodbye. The next thing you know is he is far away, unreachable. And there is NOTHING you can do without it.

Why do you still continue living?
Well for HIM, and for him.
As much as I wanted to stop doing what I'm doing now because I hate it, I do it for him because he likes it.

Is it gonna work?
I DON'T KNOW. Even after a year, I still don't. But all I want in this life, the reason why I didn't go for zinc phosphide lol is because I want to make him happy. My happiness? Was gone with him.

Nothing changes, except one.
The way you say "I love you".





My first love.
#mencintaimumrphotographer lol

Question of the day:
Why it is so hard to do something for your father while he has done MORE than everything for you?